here’s a poem i wrote about hanson in third grade.
(ETA: i had some weird issue with my grandfather also being named “John” in elementary school, so i was like “I’M JON NOW.”)
The best thing.
Generally, you can tell a man on the net, not least because they will usually tell you pretty quickly. The allure of being a woman doesn’t last long.22 Things Lesbians Said About the Internet in 1994
in shiela heti’s book How Should a Person Be, she writes an encounter with an old jewish stationary store owner as a play — i think it’s when she’s searching for something with which to write her ‘I’m a naughty girl at summer camp’ letter to Israel. after her back and forth with the store owner, she concludes, “He was just another man who wanted to teach me something.” i talk to that old jewish dude a few times a week (he’s the office supplies supplier at my work — i knew it was the same guy because something he told me struck me as oddly familiar, and sure enough when i googled the phrase and shiela heti’s book it was there in the How Should a Person Be google book, verbatim. there was a lot of overlap, in fact — he tells the same few stories to everyone at first). shiela was right. he is definitely just another man who wanted to teach her something and i really doubt he would deny that. he ends our conversations with, “have i told you enough for today? do you have a headache?” he likes to talk. i dunno, i love it. it’s such a nice break from the boring bullshit i trade in all day now. this morning he called me up to hold the receiver up to the flamenco he was listening to. (the other week he told me i couldn’t understand because i’d never been in love with a flamenco player, like he had years ago, before he met his wife. no, i said, but i have. i mean it wasn’t love, but i really wanted him to want to fuck me, which feels like love when you’re 17. and he was indeed a really good flamenco player.) he was listening to flamenco to change his mood because he’d been thinking about babi yar, among other things, and it had put his head in a bad place. anyway, the above manila envelope came with our supplies delivery the other day, and was full of loose rubber bands and something he “thought would make a really good new yorker cartoon.”
Ungghhhh my 17 yr old cuzzin is in a band and it makes me soooo happppyyyy
A little over a year ago I started fixating on the idea of the private sphere being the only place available for world-building. The only place where you can be yourself. It was winter in New York, I was bored with my job, listening to that Grouper album on repeat, falling in Big Deal Forever Love with E, and, as usual, reading more books than anyone cared to talk to me about. I’ve always been nervous about how much I carried those Caitlin Flanagan-esque girlhood feelings about “my room” into adulthood but for so long I’ve dumbed myself down, pretended to care, allowed my femininity to be misread, and faked it for the sake of leaning in just enough to pay my rent. Of course I am more present here, in this apartment or on the screen, than I am anywhere else.
There’s a quote in Sarah Schulman’s The Mere Future that I can’t find now but it something like “They left to make their meaning in private, as lesbians have always done.” The Mere Future was the last book I read while living in New York. It’s not a great book or anything but my reading of it was timed impeccably: the city was getting a new mayor; the muddled & naive ambitions I had moved to Brooklyn with no longer made any sense to me; the only thing that made sense was being with my girlfriend. I like how earnestly political Sarah Schulman is. Straight feminists, performance studies gay dudes, they don’t want anything to do with earnestness because it’s so embarrassing. They write about shame and abjection but they never actually want to be embarrassed. I mean, neither do I but maybe it’s worth the risk. Nothing else seems to work.
"Decorating and perfecting any subject can be a way of removing all stench of the real until it becomes an astral corpse." - Fanny Howe, The Wedding Dress
E was out walking Montana when they ran into another dog and paused to do the whole stop and sniff thing.
"Cute dog," E said, to which the owner replied "You mean this trash dog?"
I’ve been laughing about that for 24 hours now.
Guess who failed her driving test today : (((
"The politics of bewilderment belong only to those who have little or no access to an audience or a government. It involves circling the facts, seeing the problem from varying directions, showing the weakness from the bottom up, the conspiracies, the lies, the plans, the false rhetoric; the politics of bewilderment runs against myth, or fixing, binding and defending. It’s a politics devoted to the little and the weak; it is grassroots in that it imitates the way grass bends and springs back when it is stepped on. It won’t go away but will continue asking irritating questions to which it knows all the answers." - Fanny Howe, The Wedding Dress